Danny Sexbang vs Scanlan Shorthalt

We start on a sign with Battle of the Bands written on it, then we pan down to a concert stage

Announcer: And just like that, Loded Diper has been eliminated! Now we move onto out finalists. Ninja Sex Party vs Scanlan’s one man band!

Danny enters with Ninja Brian on one side, while Scanlan enters from the other.

Danny: I thought this was battle of the BANDS. Is one guy allowed to compete?

Scanlan: I don’t need a full band, I have all the talent I need to win this.

Danny: Cool! I’m down for a one-on-one music battle! Hey, Ninja Brian, you can sit this one out.

Ninja Brian flips Danny off, then vanishes in a puff of smoke.

Announcer: well, in that case, I guess the final round of the competition will be a one-on-one musical showdown! If there are no further interruptions, I give you, Danny Sexbang vs Scanlan Shorthalt!

Danny readies his guitar, while Scanlan pulls out his lute.

Announcer: You may BEGIN!

Both begin playing their instruments. The crowd goes wild at the musical battle before them. After a few moments, Scanlan notices that Danny is doing slightly better than he is, so he gets an idea.

Scanlan: whispering 🎶 Scanlan’s Hand 🎶

A small purple hand materializes before him, and he sends it over to Danny, where it begins messing him up by playing the wrong notes on his guitar.

Danny: What the Hell, man? That’s not cool!

Scanlan: All’s fair in showbiz, my friend.

Danny gets an idea, he pops out the skates on his shoes, rolls over to Scanlan, and punches him in the gut. The crowd gasps

Scanlan: strained so it’s like that is it?

Scanlan casts Thunderwave and blows Danny backwards, slamming him into a wall. Scanlan high fives his magic hand. Danny gets up, pulls out a sword, and charges at Scanlan. Scanlan blocks it with his mage hand, but the sword dissipates it. Danny kicks Scanlan backwards, into a pile of music equipment. Danny then knocks over a large shelf of equipment on top of Scanlan, burying him completely. Danny turns to leave, when he hears something from under the pile

Scanlan: 🎶Nevosh nevonn Klu mehon🎶

Suddenly the pile explodes outward as a triceratops charges at Danny.  The Scanlan Triceratops charges at Danny, who grabs his horns and tries to hold him back. Danny gets pushed up against a wall

Danny: You can turn into a dinosaur? That’s fucking sweet. Though, I prefer stegosaurus!

Danny begins flying upward and throws Scanlan. His giant triceratops form slams into a beam. With a purple puff of smoke, Scanlan is back to his Gnomish form. Scanlan hurriedly grabs the beam and climbs on top of it

Scanlan: 🎶 Scanlans Hand 🎶

He summons a giant purple hand and uses it to punch Danny down into the ground. Danny angrily bursts out from under the Hand, picks up a large AMP, and hurls it at Scanlan. Scanlan quickly casts Dimension Door and teleports down to the ground

Scanlan: Try hitting me now!

Scanlan casts Major Image, creating a group of Dozens of Scanlans positioned all around him. Danny flies down and begins fighting the illusionary Scanlans. Danny’s attacks pass harmlessly through the fake Scanlans, but he actually lands a blow on the real Scanlan. Scanlan falls back as Danny stalks towards him.

Danny: this has been fun, little guy, but I think it’s time for this to end.

Scanlan: Why would I care what you think? You thought that blue leotard was a good idea, so I don’t trust your judgment!

Scanlan casts Vicious Mockery on Danny, causing him to stumble back.

Scanlan: 🎶 SCANLANS HAND 🎶

A massive purple hand bursts through the floor, uppercutting Danny. Before he can recover, the hand wraps around him. It begins squeezing. Danny struggles against the magic hand that restrains him.

Scanlan: you’ve proven that you are a force to be reckoned with, Danny, but I think it’s time we finish this.

Scanlan gathers up a large amount of magical energy

Scanlan: I wish you never existed.

Scanlan casts Wish, and the magic energy latches onto Danny. It begins to erase him from existence. Danny summons all his strength to break free from the magic hand, and looks down to his own hands, noticing that he’s fading away.

Danny: No! This can’t be happening!

Scanlan: oh its happening. Nice Knowing ya!

Danny has one idea, he doesn’t even know if it will work. He places his hands behind his head, as the magic energy overtakes him. Danny thrusts with all his might. In a massive explosion of arcane energy, the Wish is dissipated.

Scanlan: What? How?

Danny: My thrusts have been known to break the fabric of Space and Time before.

Scanlan: Really? That’s awesome!

Danny: Agreed. Now let’s do this.

Both summon their instruments.

Scanlan: 🎶 This’ll be done fast. This’ll be done quick. When you get shocked by my Cube Shaped Dick 🎶

Scanlan fires a beam of purple lightning from his crotch.

Danny: 🎶 Let there be THUNDER AND LIGHTNING 🎶

Danny fires a beam of blue lightning from his crotch. The beams collide midair, struggling against one another. Both musicians begin playing their instruments. The lightning beams illuminate the whole concert. Scanlan summons his magic hand to help him play his lute better. Scanlan’s purple beam begins to overtake Danny’s. Danny begins shredding on his guitar as hard as he can. Memories of his life wash over him. His youth in Jersey, his training with Ninja Brian, his times with Arin. These memories empower Danny. He shreds harder than he’s ever shredded before. The tips of his fingers begin bleeding from the friction.

Danny’s crotch beam pushes back against Scanlan’s, eventually overpowering him. The lightning fully strikes Scanlan. He watches in slow motion as his lute is disintegrated, and his clothes begin burning. Scanlan looks to Danny, seeing the full force of the power before him.

Scanlan: Rock on, man, Rock on.

Scanlan closes his eyes and accepts his fate as the lighting envelopes him . There’s a blinding flash of blue light. When the light fades, all that’s left of Scanlan is his magic hand. The Hand makes the🤘 symbol, before fading away in a puff of purple smoke. Danny slowly takes a step towards the crowd, smoke emanating from his testes. He raises a bloody hand into the air

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Danny Sexbang!

The crowd goes wild with applause as we fade to a close

The End