Drax vs Grog
We open in a sandy arena. A crowd of people cheer on as an Announcer pipes up.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready?
The crowd cheers even louder than before.
Announcer: alright then let’s get this battle started. Or first combatant is renowned across the galaxy for being an unrelenting slaughter machine! In his journeys with the Guardians of the Galaxy, he has defended countless planets from annihilation and even killed the Mad Titan Thanos himself! Stay out of the splash zone and keep the metaphors to a minimum for Drax the Destroyer!
One of the doors open and Drax comes out, brandishing his dual blades.
Announcer: Our other Combatant has done it all. Bootmaker, Forgemaster, and creator of the GoFiBePo meat salad. In his adventures with Vox Machina, he’s slayed vampires, dragons, demons, and even gods. Put your hands together for the Grand Poobah De Doink of all This and That, Grog Strongjaw!
The other set of doors open and Grog sprints out, Axe in hand. The two warriors face off with each other.
Drax: prepare to enter whatever heathen paradise you believe in, large one!
Grog: Yeah? Well prepare to get your ass kicked!
Drax: but you have an axe, surely that would be a more effective method of combat than kicking.
Grog: Wut?
Announcer: Here it is folks, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Combatants, ready yourselves, for the battle begins NOW!
A trumpet sounds and the two charge at each other. They near each other and immediately begin swinging their weapons. Grog swings his axe down, but Drax dodges, slicing at Grog’s stomach. The belt of Dwarvenkind gets in the way, and Drax’s attack is deflected. This continues for a few seconds with neither being able to fully get a hit off. Finally, as Grog swing his axe horizontally, Drax leaps high above it, and comes down, delivering a slash to Grogs chest.
Drax: at last! I have Penetrated your defenses and delivered an effective attack!
Grog: I have no clue what you’re saying, all I know is….
Grog headbuts Drax and throws him back.
Grog: I would like to Rage
Grog goes into a rage and swings his axe at drax, striking him right in the gut. Drax stumbles back, clutching his side before dashing back and continuing the fight.
Drax leaps atop Grog and begins stabbing into his back with his daggers. Grog pulls out the Dwarven thrower, a magic returning hammer, and slams it against Drax’s face, knocking him off gross back.
Grog: You’re pretty good, greenie. You actually managed to put some marks on my hide.
Drax: of course I am great in the terms of combat, I was trained from infancy by Katathian monks.
Grog: that’s the part where you’re supposed to say you’re impressed by my skills, too.
Drax: I shall not say that, because i am not impressed. You are a sluggish oaf with basic technique.
Grog: well screw you too!
Grog reaches into the bag of holding and pulls out a lightning javelin and throws it at Drax. The javelin turns into a bolt of lightning as it leaves Grogs hand and flies forward, zapping directly through drax. Grog takes the opportunity to take several ranged attacks with the dwarven thrower, pelting drax with long distance hammer strikes.
Drax decides he’s had enough and runs directly for a stone structure he sees sitting amongst the sand, grog chasing behind. As the two enter the structure, Drax throws his daggers, taking out the two column supporting the ceiling, which falls. Drax expertly dodges out of the way of the falling debris, but grog gets completely covered by falling stone. As the dust settles, drax looks over the rubble.
Drax: if your skill is any indication of your teammates, the Vox Machina are nothing more than common lowlifes, and all your successes were simply luck.
As drax turns to walk away, he heard a distant CLANG sound from the pile of rubble, and an Enlarged grog, now twice as tall, bursts from the rubble. Grog stares down drax.
Grog: What did you say about my friends?
Grog goes into a Frenzied rage and pulls his Blood Axe out of the bag of holding.
Grog rushes forward and swings down his now gigantic axe. Drax dodges and the axe digs into the ground. Drax jumps up on the axe and rushes up the handle, before leaping forward and slicing grogs gigantic throat. Drax lands behind grog, blood dripping off his knives.
Drax: Any enemy, no matter how mighty, can be felled with the proper technique.
Grog reaches into the bag of holding and pulls out a greater healing potion, pops off the cork, and drinks the whole thing. The gash on his neck closes and heals.
Grog: it’ll take more than that to fell this enemy.
Grog goes to swings his axe horizontally, attempting to cut Drax in half at the waist. Drax leaps above the swing, but grog punches drax with his gigantic fist. Drax flies back and slams against a pillar, his daggers flying off into the distance. Grog stands menacingly over Drax.
Grog: We’re not some band of lowlifes
Drax quickly jumps up atop the pillar and prepares himself for one last stand. Grog activates his boots of feral leaping, and jumps high into the air. Drax also leaps, preparing all this strength. Drax’s punch lands on grogs chest, shattering his sternum and several ribs. Grog rages through the pain, swinging his gigantic axe into Drax’s abdomen, before continuing the swing, spinning mid air, and launching drax, axe still in his gut, into the ground below.
As Drax lays there, gigantic axe in his chest, he looks up to see grog falling towards him.
Grog: we’re Vox Machina and we FUCK SHIT UP!
Grog lands like a meteor strike on drax. When the dust clears, Drax has been split in half, and grog, now shrunken back to his normal size, struggles to his feet. The crowd goes crazy.
Announcer: Put your hands together for our champion, Grog Strongjaw!
Grog bows, tipping an imaginary hat.
Grog: Bidet.
THE END